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right under my skin is air made of bricks

: mystiqua; October 27th, 22:13

Current Mood:: lonely

Current Music:: Melt my heart to stone - adele

On a certain Friday night, I had fun with a certain stranger. Strange becomes the fact that I can never see him again, and I hate that I even think about him 96 hours later. Think about him immensely.

You always think if you meet someone and you have great conversation and they make you laugh and you make them laugh, that it's a good sign. That surely there was a spark in there, you didn't just imagine it, and certainly they would like to do this again sometime, to sit and laugh with you again. Just like in the movies. That's my stupid heart speaking. But as my luck would have it, we just happen to be passing ships, and even if I instigate an opportunity to meet them again, they don't want to. Maybe the spark was nonexistent for them. Or maybe I just say something in the whole hullaballoo that ruins everything. Maybe they don't even give me a second thought after the evening is over. Maybe I just imagined it all.

Like Adele said, "I hear your words that I made up, you say my name like there should be an us. I best tidy my head, I'm the only one..."

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Dream premonitions

: mystiqua; October 16th, 9:15

Current Mood:: restless

Current Music:: Mountains to Move - Gavin deGraw

I had one of those dreams again. Dream premonitions, so vivid that you force yourself to wake up. I had something similar the morning of my accident. But I failed to tell anyone about it. Beause in the dream I saw the accident. It didn't happen to me. So I thought I was not at risk. Big mistake. In this dream there was a sign on the front of my car that revealed some bad news and inevitably they said they wouldn't let my car be released because of that bad news. That scared me. I was like, not again. I woke up and I prayed and condemned the evil that brought me such a dream. Since this acident it's been one cluster after another, and at this point I just want my car fixed, is that too much to ask? I keep playing that day over in my head and wondering, if I could have avoided it, why didn't I? Why didn't God shoo me away from the evil and lead me to safety but instead I just played myself right into its arms.

So here I am telling someone. Anyone. I can't risk another one coming true on me.

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accidentally me

: mystiqua; July 11th, 23:46

Current Mood:: accomplished

You know what I hate? I hate it when you accidentally bump into a gay bar, walk in and they start staring at you like you lost your way. It's a bar, isn't it? And they have drinks, preferably the good, strong kind. So, why can't I drink here?

Yesterday night, after enduring 5 hours on a chair to get my hair braided, I wanted food, drink, anything...a nice shot of something to numb the pain just before my food arrives. And I bump into this "restaurant", right beside the Thai restaurant I actually intended to go to. So I think, how about a shot of something to numb the pain as I wait for my food to arrive, or better yet, bar food, even more filling and satisfying. As I walk towards it, immediately the guy at the door stops me with a "Yes, can I help you?"

"This is a restaurant, right," I ask naively.
"It's actually a bar." He replies, omitting the gay part. And very well, I didn't know such a subcategory existed, like is there a "straight" bar, maybe that's what I've been going to since, straight bars, and alas, here's the gay one.

So I respond, not even detecting the tone in his voice as he inspects me with his gaydar, my freshly minted braids begged to differ. So, okay she's not gay, just hungry, stupid and in need of a drink.

In my mind I am thinking, it's late they are probably about to shut down shop, or at least the kitchen aspect of it. "Okay, so do you have food?" "Yes but the kitchen is closed."

I look at my watch, certainly it can't be that late. So he mellows out and says, "Oh, no, not actually closed. You have 30 minutes, but we don't have that much." So I walk in, still very hungry and irritated with this conversation. I couldn't quite understand why he was policing me at the door, you either ask me for the cover charge or my ID, but if I am a paying customer (or I seem like one), there really is no need to stop me at the door to play twenty questions.

So I walk in. Bar top one. Gay couple caressing. Bar top two, other gay couple whispering, giggling and smoking. And the rest of the servers were hanging some kind of disc glitter from the roof. Surely this is a gay bar. I contemplate, I am so thirsty it really doesn't matter, the drinks will still taste the same. But then, the smoke and that glitter, and they don't even have wings on the menu, what decent bar skips wings from their menu...the gay bar that's what. So I pass. No shot, no food. I keep it simple. Police guard at the door is ever so pleased as I walk out, like he says almost with a smirk, Okay, see you later. Like he knew I would walk out. It was only a matter of time. He was lucky I was hungrier than I was thirsty, if not, I would have stayed, with the smoke, the glitter and all.

In summary, why can't we straight people not crash gay bars, why is there even such a subcategory? What is wrong with this world, what's with all the subsets. I can understand rich and poor, but if we can help the subsets why create them? Just give me a drink please, and hold the glitter and the smoking for outside. I just need my shot, dammit.

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much rather make friends with men

: mystiqua; March 25th, 12:20

Current Mood:: frustrated

I would much rather make friends with men than women.

Women are such dickheads. One minute they want to be your friend, next minute once a man comes along, or some jealousy creeps up, they just start to hyperventilate and the friendship is ruined. You make friends with these stupid co-workers at work and the weekend comes they dont' even text you a simple note hi. But they spend the entire weekend texting some guy who is probably never going to respond. And they see you on Monday and act like you're their favorite person ever.

The weird thing is you never know where the jealousy or the unforeseen malice aforementioned is from, they just decide that hey, they just don't want to "do you" anymore. I've never experienced such fickleness with men.

With men, the only fear is that they would start to develop feelings for you that may or may not be returned. I can so deal with that. They like to have fun, go out drink like crazy, watch movies, they are always down for whatever. Women are just too fickle. Every time I've invited some girl out somewhere, you always have to make it seem like this is a "girl-date" (read: opposite of man-date) I am not gay, I just want to hang out and not have to sit at the bar or dance by myself. But their nerves get all riled up like you asked them out or something. And they feel pressured to say yes, but minutes before the date they text you to cancel, with some crazy excuse about their cat, or dog being ill.

I was watching old Sex and the City episodes last night and I couldn't help thinking that inasmuch as we love that show, it is so unrealistic, women cannot all be friends like that and evrything is "honky-doory" and they all hang out together at least once a week. Nope, it cannot happen, once a quarter is a myth. And they know that, that's why it's such a great show, like a fantasy.

Job security

: mystiqua; March 22nd, 20:26

Current Mood:: calm

Current Music:: Sade - Lovers Live

I pray my job is secure.

Two nights ago I had a nightmare that there were some layoffs and I was one of them. It was scary. And it shattered my manager so much that he started some kind of petition to keep me on the staff. And he went to HR, mentioned how much of an asset to the company I am, etc, and then, I woke up.

So I think nothing of it until now. I just decided, another week ahead so it's time to pray that I still get to keep my job. Because I really need it.

The Dark Knight at the Oscars

: mystiqua; February 24th, 17:07

Current Mood:: cranky

I don't think it's fair that the Dark Knight didn't win any of the awards that I had hoped for. It started off with a snub for that marvelous brilliant director Chris Nolan, and then, they deny them basic awards like sound editing and worst of all, Cinematography.

Travesty.

The scenes from that movie are filled with sheer genius, it's hard to deny that masterminds were involved in the making of that film. Epic genius. While to me, Slumdog is more like unintentional epic movie, that was just so well-received. I suppose it's the newness in Slumdog that's getting them interested. Bollywood has come to the Oscars!

As said in the New York Times:

"No matter how cynical you feel about Hollywood, it is hard not to fall for a film that makes room for a shot of the Joker leaning out the window of a stolen police car and laughing into the wind, the city’s colored lights gleaming behind him like jewels," "He’s just a clown painted on black velvet, but he’s also some kind of masterpiece."

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During an uneventful day at work

: mystiqua; February 4th, 13:40

Current Mood:: bummed

So I successfully "un-jinxed" the $200 electric bill to not coming true. It was at a reasonable rate under $100, yay!

Trying to schedule some vacation time to any of these places, (San Francisco (squeeze in a trip to Napa), New York, San Diego, Santa Barbara and Miami) some I have been to and some I haven't and some I am just dying to go to. In the midst of the recession you would think hotels would chill for a bit and charge reasonable rates, instead it's all over $69 a night. Back in the hey day, I have paid up to $112 a night for a hotel, but that was back in the day when I had not exceeded my credit limits on my credit cards. Now, the sad fact of the matter is, if I want to vacation at all, I can no longer afford to vacation alone. Not unless the rates are $50 a night or less. That's the cold hard truth. So that has just put a stop to my luxurious vacation planning. Either that, or I can only vacation once, for my birthday. I'll save my money up to that time and go big or stay home.

If they had hotels-for-less deals on craigslist, just the same way, you get furniture for less, shoes for less, electronics for less. If they had, "crash at my house for less" deals on craisglist, that would really help in this economy.

I read this article in the New York Times about how restaurants in new York that wouldn't normally have reservations 3 months in advance, have reservations now, the night of, make concessions to accomodate their patrons, which they termed "hugging the customer" and generally have prix fixe deals fo certain dining hours. Very nice. The diner wins for one. What's the deal with the hotels then?

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the city cafe is extinct

: mystiqua; November 25th, 2008

Current Mood:: curious

“We have to be very careful,” Mr. Perrey continued. “If we standardize everything in France, and we study everything, and forbid everything, we destroy respect for our culture. We need to preserve the cafe bar. What is a village but a cafe, a school, a pharmacy, a bakery and a city hall?”

I don't know why I like this quote. But I just do. I think it has to do with the fact that nothing is sacred anymore. Before you could live in the hopes that you could escape this capitalist world and go off to France and open up a cafe and listen to the cafe patrons quib about the economy while they sip their espressos. But not so anymore. Alas, the economy has spread its fangs towards Europe and the sacred European cafes so much that they are now going out of business and because the simple pleasures have been so curtailed, life is no longer fun.

What is life, if the cafe bar is no longer fun, is no longer there...

how unbecoming

: mystiqua; November 14th, 2008

Current Mood:: aggravated

Was supposed to go see this viewing of this play tonight, actually looking forward to it since Tuesday but I had a horrendous day today and it is slightly muggy outside that I am just so glad to be home. Just wish it wasn't on a Friday night.

I spent the day at the airport trying to ship my aunt and her 5 bags back to NIgeria. Apparently, there is no such thing as excess baggage. You take 2 bags and that's it. You can't take anymore...the rest you can either kiss goodbye or ship it. So we chose to ship it. And this took $1000 and 5 hours of my day. And in between I encountered the worst fucking airline you can ever think of ---also known as Delta airlines. God willing I will never fly that airline again, not even if it's free. The worst fucking staff make up the worst fucking airline. It's a pity they didn't go under like was earlier "hoped", the gods of the economy and fairness was trying to do us a favor and put them out of business.

So I am home, just glad to be home safe from all the chaos outside...life can be cruel and evil and filled with so many twists and turns, make you want to sit home not step outside and encounter the evil in this world.

Ye. that's me the home hermit on a Friday night.

Wicked - the play

: mystiqua; November 4th, 2008

Current Mood:: content

What can I say about Wicked that would make it seem as if it was "wickedly" entertaining. It was. Still not the best musical I've seen in a while, but it was right up there with my top 5. I keep thinking, maybe if I hadn't seen it on Halloween it may not have been that memorable. Maybe. Or maybe if I had seen it on Broadway with the original cast of Idina Menzel, it would have made it even better. Who knows? But either way that's the memory that will live on, seeing Wicked with a whole bunch of people dressed as witches and clapping at the slightest twitch of the ghost or thud of thunder.

The music was not that good to me. When I can't hum a single tune from the play after the play that means it was not that memorable. The acting and the script was much better, tighter script, easier to follow (compared to Les Miserables) and also quite humorous. Not at times, rather quite a bit. The set design was amazing; they spared no expense. I just keep comparing it to the hilarious time I had watching Seven Brides, or the catchy songs on Mamma Mia, or the inspiring uplifting time I had with Women of Brewster Place and with all those, Wicked doesn't compare.

But it was still wickedly entertaining.

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dating game

: mystiqua; October 17th, 2008

Current Mood:: sad

Met this cute guy on Saturday night. Older, refined gentleman. We talked for a great part of the evening and I thought we hit it off. He asked for my number so I gave it to him. So far, not a peep. Have not heard from him. :(

I suppose I should have thought it was odd, when I gave him my number and he didn't try to do the "call to confirm so you can have mine as well" trick that seems to be the new game for guys. He just saved it and smiled. I bet in his mind he thought, in your dreams lady.

Dating is so filled with games. One person likes the other, the other pretends that they do when they don't. It needs to be easy, I like you, we hit it off, exchange numbers, next day you call me, we have coffee and talk in a civilized environment. There shouldn't be that much to it.

Hypocritical Obama fans

: mystiqua; September 24th, 2008

Current Mood:: irate

I don't know how people can be profound fans of Obama and his message of change and not be fans of change in their personal and/or professional lives. It's like being a hypocrite.

Case in point my coworker good friend, swears by Obama could rename her daughter Obama if she could but there we were speaking up at work trying to get them to implement a new policy which would benefit her greatly however she wasn't interested. She emphatically told me she didn't want to speak up about it because she wasn't interested. She would partake in the policy benefits but she would not join in fighting the good fight to get the policy implemented.

I was irked. Greatly.

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Of friends and girlfriends

: mystiqua; September 10th, 2008

Current Mood:: crushed

Yesterday was my girlfriend's birthday. And she is having some type of birthday weekend celebration, this Friday and Saturday.

To better explain, we became friends when we worked together at some job I had for six months. She was the only girl close to my age who was single, with no kids and reasonably independent - she had her own little condo, lived alone, and not co-habiting with some man. You can tell these are rare features for women around my age. So we hung out together after work. But then, I realized that her motivations are different. As a matter of fact she lacked motivation. She also lacked real interests, she just wanted to skate through life. She would rather go to a club than go to a play. So our motivations were reasonably different, and once I left that job, our friendship just sort of fizzled. So it was her birthday yesterday and I thought to send her a note, which read:

Hey Girl,
Happy Birthday! Just thought to send you a birthday shout out!! Gosh, 32, who would thunk it!!!
You'll love being 32, it's a great year, filled with challenges but fun things happen....and you are more assertive with yourself at that age.
Hope you have a good day and God's blessings in this coming year. As Shay Youngblood said: Know where you’ve been but don’t live in the past. Know where you’re going, you need concrete goals even if they’re short-term but the most important thing is to know who you are.
That's my 34 year old advice to you.
Take care of yourself and have fun always. I'll see you on Friday.
thoughts

me.

She simply replied: aaah, thanks for the note. Can't wait to party on Friday.

If you were me, would you attend her birthday party thingie on Friday?

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work whine

: mystiqua; August 22nd, 2008

Current Mood:: confused

Today is another day at the chopped liver convention. That's how I feel sometimes at work, like I am here but why, because I need the money but my contribution is not valued, I am not motivated, and everyday I feel deflated. It's like I am chopped liver.

The Color Purple

: mystiqua; August 5th, 2008

Current Mood:: sleepy

ent to see the Color Purple at the Fox Theater on July 30th. It was a mostly black affair. As in the crowd though varying in age was predominantly black, with just a sprinkling of white people, which I am sure just decided to come based on curiosity. I didn't enjoy the play as much as I thought I would. I remember seeing the movie a long time ago, and bits and pieces of it stuck out at me. I remembered the actors, that the subject matter was grim and that it was hella long. But not that much of the substance of it remained in my memory. This was partially the reason why I thought I'd go see the play, to refresh my memory and see the darkness played to full effect.

The play was very well done. The actors were very good, not amateurish at all. But my reaction to it was unexpected. 1) I didn't expect it to be a musical. I must be living under a rock not to have expected that because everyone else was singing along (and had the CD's, etc) but there I was, not expecting it to be a musical. I just thought: subject matter grim, why the singing? I thought I was coming to see a deep dark play, but I guess all plays are musicals these days, who wants to see a play where they don't sing. Me. I was expecting to be carried along the story with everything but music. Nevertheless, the singing was a nice touch. Then, (2) it had some funny bits. Not so much funny bits as the actors and the lines being stretched in an effort to rouse the audience, be it with laughter or applause. Not in a natural way, with the flow of the story, almost as if it was forced, as if they wanted the crowd to laugh so let's emphasize that word, gesture, remark, or line and pause slightly while the crowd reacts. I was just stuck on grim subject matter, so I wasn't expecting to be guarded towards laughter or applause. I mean, no need for emphasis just say what you want to say and we, of the knowledgeable crowd who attends these things, will know what you mean and if we feel the need to cheer, or applaud then so be it, we will. Needless to say that with all the cueing and pauses for audience reaction I just held a stiff grimace on my face, wondering whatever happened to the solid story I had fallen in love, albeit remembered vaguely, but was so fond of that I decided to shell out money enough to see 4 movies to spend an evening seeing it at the theater. Was it a business reason that made them doctor it for audience appeal? Will I see it again, probably not, not unless it's on Broadway sans singing cue heavy drama.

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Outdoor Festival Excess

: mystiqua; July 24th, 2008

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(no subject)

: mystiqua; June 16th, 2008

Current Mood:: crappy

I wrote this ever so long ago, in one of my recent emotional states, I read through my old entries in my other journal and in reading it I can hardly believe that I wrote it. I know why, but it seems like I was probably going through some things like I am going through now when I wrote it.

In another lifetime, can I get to choose you, can we get to have each other, can we choose where we want to be?

In another lifetime, can we get to have peace, to rest easy, to put our feet up and love freely? Can we?

In another lifetime, is there hope for interaction without intermission, without bumping, without choking one's means of consumption? Is there a place we get to run recklessly wtihout noise being the determinant of our voices, our uproar, our freedom?

In another lifetime, woudl there be room for us to mingle in our seperate beliefs, customs, and tradition without persuasion or compulsion to those who have remained ignorant of moment's passage?

In another time, can we get to take sides, choose our places, and the dreams we want to fruition?

Then I can choose you, and you may have to choose me...and in that time, can I get to keep you, without fear that time, or age, or unfortunate circumstance of death would come to claim you from me, and with the reassurance that wherever you get to go, I go also, and where you end up...I shall be, in that same time.

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Hmmm...

: mystiqua; June 6th, 2008

Current Mood:: sleepy

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

Choices

: mystiqua; June 3rd, 2008

Current Mood:: bored

Dolce dinner last night to kick off Birthday week in Chez Mystiqua was so blah! There are some restaurants that are best enjoyed with company, not alone. I learned that the hard way last night. It's like every decision I've made has been the wrong one. One fruitless evening, $30 lost, loads of calories and a blah movie later (27 dresses was so bad!) the week is still not looking good. But what else is new...I keep thinking, is there a speed racer vehicle that can take me to Miami, is it too late?

It was an especially boring weekend. Everywhere I choose to go to ended up being the wrong place, no activity, nothing remotely thrilling. Nobody called me and I didn't call anybody. Nobody came to see me and I didn't go to see anybody. I spent so much money on everything and anything but achieving fun itself. Even the movie I chose to watch left me a little unsatisfied. I just plain existed and nothing dramatic came of it. This is a huge total contrast to last weekend. It was just a little dry for my taste.

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Fool for Love

: mystiqua; May 29th, 2008

Current Mood:: pissed off

just got back from the Alicia Keys concert. In some way this felt like the continuation of a story. A story of female empowerment, enlightenment, independence, strength and willpower. Seeing 2 strong independent women perform back to back just reassured me of who I am and what I need to be. I had lost my way momentarily and just succumbed to this needy woman. That is not me. And anybody who bumps into this journal will think, what a needy "middle-aged" woman. That is not me.

That being said, who did I bump into at the entrance of Phillips Arena - the guy from weeks ago, that would never return my calls, that I exchanged flirty texts with, one of which I confessed that I have a crush on him. Yep, that muthafucker! He hugged me and smiled and acted like we were old friends. Said something like, I was at your part of town last night, and I would have called you to meet up except I was with someone. I just thought to myself, WTF! He didn't just say that to me, that mutherfucker, that muthafucking explains so much. He asked me if I was by myself, and I said of course, in my mind wondering when guys like you don't return my calls what choice do I have. I just felt like such a fool. Like the biggest female loser on the planet, like the oldest female loser on the planet. Why are men such assholes, seriously? Things like this make me wish I was gay. Wish I could go all Cynthia Nixon, and just keep shop with another woman, adopt some kids and just call it a day. If God knew that men would turn out to be assholes, then why did he make us have to deal with them, make us straight, make us attracted to them and their stupidity. I just kept thinking about this throughout the concert - I am such a fool. How did I turn out to be this fool? I thought I had this all figured out. But I won't be a fool no more. You only get hurt once.

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Expressionale

Obsessive, and expressive

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